From sanity to insanity and back...

Wow, the nursing program is driving me insane...literally...it sure doesn't help that I have a few other stressors going on in my life at the same time. Besides the theoretical exams we also have practical tests, and last week I failed one of those practical tests. I got to retake it on Monday. I failed AGAIN. Today was my last chance and I passed. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be. or better, I thought it was going to be hard, but then the first class was really easy so I guess I slacked off...oh well. Now I know better. They say that this class is a "weeder", meaning that a lot of people don't pass. I want to pass. The past few nights I've been havinf a minor nervous breakdown, and I have started looking at other programs. I do speak a bunch of languages. Learning languages is easy - I never ever experienced stress like this before and the question is, is it worth it??? I think so. At least that's how I feel tonight after I was successful:-). there are really a lot of ups and downs to this program...and I'm no where near the finish line, because 60% of my grade is still up in tne air. I have 2 more theoretical tests to take and then I'll be done. 3 more weeks and I'm going to Sweden for 6 weeks.

The past week when things weren't going so great, I started to reconsider my decision about nursing school, and I remembered how much I do like social work. I'm still pretty sure that I'd rather work with healthy people than with sick people. Or I'd like to work with really sick people and help them develop healthy coping skills to deal with their illness. I would also like to write.
I think that having been through cancer twice (my mom and my sister) I would like to help people manage their pain better. I think it's hard for people to understand that along with many physical diseases come a cluster of emotions to deal with as well. Not dealing with ones feelings can lead to depression and hopelessness.
I would also like to work with the prevention of eating disorders, but as far as that goes I try to just be a good role model and set a good example. Since I'm in a class with mostly females there are a lot of comments about bodies and weights etc. I'm tired of hearing about it, and yet I'm saddened that it's such a big part of women't lives.

I'll admit it, I used to judge people by their looks and their weight, but not so much anymore. Most of the time I just decide if I like someone depending on how they act - whether they are nice or not. The only reason I care about people's weights and eating habits is because I now have a better understanding of how being PHYSICALLY unhealthy can lead to loads of medical problems such as diabetes and hypertension. Starving is not good either because that can lead to electrolyte imbalances and organ failure.
I would like to join some kind of organization that works for eating disorder recovery but I haven't found one that I like yet. Until then I'll just work "small" and help one person at the time.

Recently Isabelle told me that they had talked about good versus bad food at daycare and I didn't like it. there is no reason why a 5 year old should even care whether a food is classified as "healthy" or "unhealthy". Little kids are just supposed to play and have a good time and not worry about anything. That is why we all have to stop this diet mentality. We are not "good" if we go a day without eating. We are not "bad" if we have dessert. What we eat doesn't make us good or bad. Our actions decide if we're good or bad. And sometimes not even that. You can be a good person and still make a bad choice.

I just wish that all the women (and men) that I know would stop critiquing their bodies and stop complaining about their weights. I don't want to hear it anymore. I also don't want any comments about my weight.

I'm fine just the way I am.

As most of you know I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia for 17 years (you do the math, I'm 29), and when I first went in to treatment a couple of years ago I was petrified of the idea of losing my identity as an anorexic. If I weren't anorexic, then who am I?
I'm not scared anymore. Because I am me. I am strong, healthy and happy. And I am still doing marathons. Running marathons is not what made me sick. I was sick already - deep down I was miserable, but not anymore. It has taken a good couple of years to get on the right track, but it has definitely been worth it. A bad day in recovery is better than any good day in the illness.

If you have any questions about anorexia or bulimia please don't hesitate to ask. I have been keeping a different blog for my recovery and if you want to read it just email me and I'll send you a link.